Healing My Tattooed Past
I have been striving to live a life true to my callings and passions for quite some time now, and it has been an interesting, informative, internal, intense and inspiring journey. For much of my life I lived under the direction, viewpoints, habits, obsessions, needs and desires of others. Many of us do so without even knowing that we are not shaping our own path. I always had a fire inside of me calling me to my own unique way of life, but for many years I could not hear it clearly, I could not feel where it came from and did not know how to follow it. I was trapped in my own insecurities and desire to please those who had established themselves as manipulators of my destiny. When I first attempted to break free from the thought processes and patterns of abuse, I was confused. I had a lot of anger, regret, sadness and feelings of blame and revenge against people whom I perceived as those who had harmed me. At the same time, I had an innate love for humanity, goodness, discovery and growth. These two distinctly opposite feelings churning in my life were confusing and I was in a limbo of sorts; experiencing joy and growth and anger and tragedy all mixed up together. I think this is a very common scenario for many people. We want to find our most rewarding path but we are struggling with memories and bad feelings that have already passed and left marks on us that we have a difficult time wearing. I can relate this feeling and way of life by imagining very large, ugly tattoos all over my body.
At one time I chose the tattoos for some reason, or maybe I was even held down and given them against my will. I spent much time regretting and hating the tattoos even while I was trying different things to look presentable. Maybe I covered the tattoos with thick make-up or fancy clothes, but they were still there, and I knew it. I lamented these tattoos, and wished they weren’t there… but they were. Even expensive laser sessions could not remove all of the ink without leaving small scars or faint lines. This is how I felt about my ugly, tattooed past of abuse. I felt permanently scarred; but I found an amazing solution. I found that I did not have to permanently live in the past where I received the tattoos. Rather than continue looking at the ugly markings of others on myself and hating them, I began to design over the top of them, transforming them into beautiful works of art that I wanted to look at, admire and be grateful for.
When I had difficulty with a new design I would find experts, friends, and people I admired to help me with my new creations. With each new work in my life I opened myself up to more love and understanding about others. I realized day by day that I was not stuck in the past with the same markings I had been given and accepted during a less healthy time. I was able to re-create the designs of my life and live in the beauty of the present.
Now and then I look for the old lines, but it is no longer comfortable for me to hate them, I realize quickly that I need not be distracted by what used to be. Living more and more in the present has given me freedom to continue to develop into the person whom I was meant to be. A mighty soul covered with beautiful artwork. Without the canvas of ugliness, I may not have created such unique beauty. I have transformed and developed into an unfinished tableau of color, balance and depth… your soul tattoos can be beautiful as well.