December 2015

Entirely Me

// Author: Annetta Lucero // 0 Comments

Waiting
I keep learning and expanding and finding more understanding for myself and others;  but I am getting further from societies expectations and guidelines, so I must leave all criticism and judgement or I chance making myself miserable worrying about what others think.
I do not think like many, and I do not want to.
I am not interested in conforming.
I am not religious or spiritual. I’m more of a Philosopher-ish – Ponderer – Question Asker.  I claim to know nothing and I reserve the right to change anything at any moment.  I am not married to my opinions, ideas, concepts, thoughts, feelings, or existence.
My interest does not lie in hoping others will think as I do, for I may be completely askew.  My current beliefs may be appalling to some, yet I do operate with as much self-honesty as I am able to muster, under my current condition of being trapped in this meat costume.
In my flowing search for realness, I have come to a point of releasing cultural and societal conditioning.
I am not keen on standard sentences such as, “it’s going to take a long time…” or  “He’s in a better place.” or “I’m trying my best”, or  “God only gives you what you can handle.” or  “and they lived happily ever after… ”  
They didn’t live happily ever after.  They eventually died, and most likely they were woefully sick of one another because they stayed together,  “through thick and thin”, even after they no longer shared the kind of love they once experienced when they were enthralled.  Of course, they “did it for the sake of the children”, who have learned to stay with somebody they nag, complain about and believe they possess on a daily basis.  They have learned to fear that their mate may be “cheating” on them and behave in jealous ways that cause more of a rift;  yet, they wear matching sweaters for the Holiday photos and send greetings to others that say “Peace on Earth”, when 3 minutes prior to signing the card they sneered and snapped at their “beloved” for leaving the milk carton out.
Of course there are folks who find a particular someone to truly respect and love for a lifetime.  Possibilities are always limitless so I do not rule out any scenario.  But as an observer, those life-deals are rare in comparison to the, “it’s easier to stay together than go through splitting our assets.”
 
I’m not claiming to be above any of this.  I’ve actually experienced all of it.  These situations, my own jealousy, fear, limitations naiveté…  lack of thinking my own thoughts caused me to live out most of the things I previously mentioned.
Personally, I will not put the pressure on anybody else to be “my everything” again.  I’ve experienced the pain of that for all involved.  I’ll leave my options open to have different parts of myself activated by those who resonate with those needs and desires.  I will continue to give to others the very things I wish for myself.  Love, a moment of time, respect, adoration, kindness…
There is no “worse case scenario” that can happen by living the way I feel is the best direction for myself.
So, others gasp, disagree with my viewpoint, gossip, do not invite me to get togethers with the “acceptable crowd”.
Cool. None of these things affect me in the least, the opinions of others have nothing to do with me.  Anyhow, I’ll always be invited to get togethers, I’m fucking entertaining.
Worrying about money, “I haven’t got a penny to my name”,  not true.  Possessions, politics, nationalism, “America, we’re number one”, PLEASE.  blah, blah blah…. not my deal.  I’m done with the standard thought process about these and all other things.
So what if I move to a different country, take chances, make a mess, create beauty, succeed or fail?  I’m prepared to become entirely ME, and if I’m rejected, accepted, praised, shunned…  arrested, well, I’ll deal with it, it will pass, and I’ll eventually go home to paradise and swim with my beloved gays and dolphins.
I will live my truth as often as possible.  I will leave my kids with stories to tell.  And I will leave them with my viewpoint and advice that they may choose to adopt, alter or furiously reject:
Make mistakes, travel, seek knowledge, forgive yourself and others, be kind, create beauty, show generosity to all… LIVE.
Live well. Eventually we are all dead and on to the next thing…  or not.  ~Lucero
LOVE!

Embracing the Monsters

// Author: Annetta Lucero // 0 Comments

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When I was really little my bio dad would run after me pretending to be an insane gorilla-monster.
It was, at first fun, yet quickly progressed to alarming and ultimately terrifying. At the peak of fear I would always react in the same way. Rather than run faster or seek a hiding place, (thus prolonging my own insecurity and fear), I would STOP, boldly turn around, exclaim, “Dad!”,  and run right at him.
Embracing him, whether or not he had changed from the character, put the power back in my realm and instantly altered the reality of my fear. 
I thought about this last night after I caved in to the alarm and fear I allowed to build in my own mind.
In the midst of my self-induced panic I STOPPED. I named my fear and then ran directly towards it. I wrote of my frustrations and asked for help.
Embracing the monster rather than trying to run or hide from it is the quickest path I know to regaining my own power.
I am not going to continue telling and rehashing the story of my fear. I deleted my panic-driven post and desire to speak as the person I choose to become.
While I am not sure WHAT solutions will appear to remedy the current challenge, I know that the solutions WILL appear and they will present themselves at exactly the moment they should.
I CAN BE fearless in all situations and circumstances.
I will always embrace the monsters.
LOVE!