October 2015

A Raw Nerve

// Author: Annetta Lucero // 1 Comment

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Last Friday night I made the decision to remove past relationship images from my computer. The constant reminders of what is no more hits me like a raw nerve every time I click to iPhoto.

In the midst of my task, my left molar ignited. Searing pain shot through my mouth, traveling to my left eye and down my throat.
The next day I taught an eight hour clinic, engulfed in pain that ranged somewhere between 10 and 200.
By Sunday morning my old trauma patterns kicked in and I was experiencing FEAR; an emotion that I have practiced stepping away from.

I succumbed to an illusionary menu of mind stories— the winner of these delusions being; “I have jaw cancer and my tongue will be amputated, thus leaving me without the possibility of booking speaking engagements.”  

Sunday night I was gargling whiskey, choking down some along the way to dull the pain, and asking for dentist recommendations.

Many options and well wishing comments appeared quickly and I was able to procure an appointment.
On Monday morning I double checked the location of the dentist I had selected, and a little comment from my friend Thomas caught my eye. “Happy mouth, happy teeth” is all it said.

Thomas is a soulmate. We are traveling down a similar path at an equipollent speed. His seemingly benign comment caused an immediate switch in my perception. I put the brakes on my “doomsday” inner dialogue and opted for a moment of meditation.

I could feel my tooth painfully throbbing to the beat of my heart as I sat in silence.

Peddling to the dentist office a while later I had gratitude statements flooding my mind. “I am grateful for the teacher’s throughout my life”, “I am grateful for healing”, “I am grateful for growth and…”  BAM! Some force hit me. My mind went blank and a feeling of knowing washed over me. The feeling was that I had not yet been willing to fully release my thoughts, desires, and stubborn grasp on the past story of my decayed relationship. I stopped and stood with my bike as I stated out loud. (Yes, like a cray-cray).

I release this. My contracts are no longer. I accept the release of not only past contracts, but the release of my perceptions of reality on this matter. I release anger, jealousy, regrets and grievances. I am free. He is free, I can not, nor do I want, to hold on to this any further. I am love. I am loved, I give and receive love and I fully forgive myself and others in this story.

A peace washed over me, and my tooth ache disappeared.

I went to the dentist. He examined my teeth and x-rayed the one that had caused such brutal pain for the past 3 days.

He said, Annetta, there is nothing out of order here…  It must have just been a very raw nerve.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paper Cup

// Author: Annetta Lucero // 0 Comments

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The train back to my town was leaving in 10 minutes and if I walked with determination I would make it to Oslo Central station just in time.

He was sitting propped up against the glass window of an abandoned store front. Unsightly. The busy people of Oslo bustled by, ignoring his paper cup, stepping over and around his foot.

His foot.

It was heavily bandaged from his ankle down, but his toes were exposed. He had only two toes, as his first three toes looked to have been recently amputated. A dirty crutch lay by his side. He shook his empty cup at the distracted crowd.

He shook his cup at me, and I passed him by…  The train.

I had distanced myself by nearly a block when I felt a tug on my back. I stopped. I turned around but nobody was there. I looked around at the many people rushing by, I thought of myself, rushing by. I went back.

He was very apprehensive when I sat down next to him. Not sure what to do or think of this new situation. He did what he does. He shook his cup at me, pointed to his foot, shook his cup some more.

“It’s okay. You have no need to beg me.” I said. He was perplexed. He didn’t speak english and shook his cup again, with far less fervor, however. I continued to sit next to him and after a few minutes he stopped shaking his cup, he scooted a little closer to me and he took my hand. As I sat holding this mans hand, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of peace and love. I patted his shoulder and he reached over and embraced me. He began to smile and cry, and so did I.

Time passed by and I told him I would be going. I rummaged through my backpack and handed him 200NOK. I stood to leave and he grabbed my hand and eagerly motioned for me to sit next to him again. I sat.

He pointed to his heart, and then to the sky and then he began to pray. He prayed for me. I do not know his language or religion. It was everything he had to offer and I was touched to receive his gift.

In life I have often frantically shaken my own paper cup. Something I am learning from my experiences, is to be aware of my own tug, sit down, scoot closer, hold a hand…  Love can be found everywhere, I have no need to beg.